Tiger Shirou
by kishinokurobi
Summary: What if Shirou was saved by Taiga? What could possibly go wrong? Crack-ish one shot. Complete.


A vast sea of angrily burning flames flooded the land like a ostentatious and incestuous fuckfest between Poseidon and Hades. Much like the last time it happened, many, many people's lives were torn asunder and consumed for reasons unknown to mortal men.

Surprisingly, neither Poseidon nor Hades nor incest nor a fuckfest were at fault, simply a pent up cup bent on world destruction that was cockblocked at the last second. However given the state of the cup it's figurative pre-cum still flooded a portion of the city below it, leading to the current state of affairs in Fuyuki.

When the precocious 17 year old menace that was Taiga Fujimura decided to throw a bucket of water on the edge of the slowly advancing wall of flames most would think it was an exercise in futility. However it momentarily culled the flames in a small area, granting her sight of a disoriented child moving towards the center of the conflagration.

"Over here!" Taiga yelled as she charged into the flames carelessly.

She grabbed the arm of the child and nearly ripped it out of it's socket as she threw him over her back and sprinted towards the gap in the flames that was closing by the second, the fire seemed to take offense to the idea of one of the doomed souls within escaping.

However before the intensifying blaze could close the gap Taiga let loose a primal roar that a girl of her petite size shouldn't have been capable of producing.

The inferno, a manifestation of the rage and hatred and bloodlust of Angra Mainyu, Persian God of Destruction and source of all the world's evil was momentarily taken aback by the sheer audacity of this girl.

In that moment of hesitation and confusion the near phantasmal existence that was Taiga Fujimura broke free of the all consuming hellscape and dashed to safety with her half-roasted prize.

Slightly delirious, in shock and overcooked, the crumpled form of Shirou Emiya had only a single coherent thought as he bounced about like a ragdoll.

'The ferocity of a tiger is truly something to be admired.'

Taiga didn't noticed the look of realization on the child's face, too busy thinking about herself.

'They'll offer me the title of mob boss, I'll get keys to the city, and I'll be a national hero!'

* * *

"You're super grounded."

"DAAAAAAD!" Taiga whined from her hospital bed. In her impulsive and adrenaline filled escapades it appeared that Taiga had forgotten that fire is extremely hot, and she was covered in first and second degree burns from the licking tongues of flame and proximity to an inferno of that magnitude.

It was a good thing that she wore fairly modest clothing, because if she dressed like some of her slutty class-mates she would have been much worse off. As it was she was a patchwork of bandages, reddened skin and blisters.

"You decided to give your bodyguards the slip… again… to run straight into one of the worst fires in recent memory?" Her father asked annoyed.

"I saved someone, so it was worth it!" Taiga said proudly, not even bothering to try and fight her charges.

She, not being distorted by happy smiles of broken men, didn't actually believe that her life was worth risking for the life of a single other person. In hindsight her choice was stupid and she shouldn't have done that.

With all that said, she was the goddamn Taiga Fujimura and she would never admit that she was wrong on a full stomach.

* * *

Later that day Shirou's head perked up at the sound of the door to his room opening.

"You're not keeping him." Taiga's father said, as he followed after the not-supposed-to-be-out-of-bed-yet Taiga.

"He's totally attached to me already, you can't separate us!" Taiga lied.

"Call me Mommy!" Taiga said, giving him a big wink that her father surely saw.

"Tiger." Shirou said in a deadpan.

"Mommy!" Taiga said in a warning tone, her eye twitching as her father broke into hysterics.

"Tiger." The seven year old decided, digging his heels in as well.

"Okay dad he's broken I don't want him anymore." Taiga admitted.

"Oh no, now you're definitely keeping him." her father claimed as he rolled on the ground laughing.

* * *

Despite her original and foolish intentions to become a parental figure for Shirou, Taiga eventually fell into the role of big sister. This was mostly because if there's one thing most people are certain Taiga can never be, it's being a good parental figure.

However she did manage to influence Shirou in many horrible ways over the years, even if she never was able to get him to stop calling her Tiger.

In one failed attempt she decided to buy him a real Tiger as a pet, under the assumption that since most people call their cat 'cat' he would call his Tiger 'Tiger' and need to call her Taiga.

It of course failed completely, but the addition of a third Tiger to Fuyuki was the indirect cause of the second most life defining encounter of Shirou's life.

* * *

Shirou age 12, as he did most summer days, was riding his Tiger, Dolphin, all over town. Normally he scared some kids, ate lots of food and went swimming, but this time some random girl decided to bother him.

"What's wrong with you, riding THAT in public!?" the brunette yelled.

"That's Dolphin, and he's a boy for your information." Shirou corrected.

"That's definitely a tiger familiar." Rin responded, her eyebrow twitching.

"His name is Dolphin." Shirou said slowly, as if she were an idiot.

"WHY!? Why is your Tiger named Dolphin!?" Rin growled, her eyebrow twitching.

"Who are you? The naming police!?" Shirou responded hotly. Why did nobody like Dolphin's name?

"I'm Rin, second magus of this land. Also why hasn't your family contacted me about being on my land?" She said, seemingly collecting her composure.

"I'm Shirou, and I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about." Shirou said honestly. Why were all the kids that didn't run from Dolphin crazy?

"You're riding a Tiger. You have to be a mage." Rin said.

"You're a wizard Harry." Shirou joked, but when seeing that the reference just confused the girl he decided that she wasn't worth his time. Crazy AND never read Harry Potter? How could someone not love that series? Think of how cool it would be if magic was real!

"Well, I'm leaving." Shirou declared.

The Gander Curse that flew through the air next to his head however, convinced Shirou that maybe this one was worth his time.

* * *

Archer's first impressions of this world were that it was one of the few worlds where Rin was already teaching Shirou, judging by him sitting in the room. That unfortunately meant that he wasn't able to kill himself yet, but on the bright side he might get to meet a Shirou who wouldn't make the same stupid mistakes he did.

Lying about having amnesia Archer did quirk his eyebrow as Shirou teased Rin about almost forgetting about daylight savings time.

They proceeded to invoke Shirou's ritual afterwards, as his peak magical output was achieved only 35 minutes after Rin, both of the rituals had been prepared beforehand.

The summoned servant however, was not Artoria. That was very surprising. Almost every war Archer had taken part in had her there, to make his life hell.

Instead it was… Him? Shirou had summoned someone that looked just like Archer, but instead of his usual get-up he was wearing just a tiger-striped loincloth.

Shirou locked gazes with the not-Archer, their head's tilted to the side in the same confused manner, at the same time. Then they simultaneously winked and each other and said "Rawr!" while curling a hand like a paw.

"T-T-Two Shirous" Rin muttered reverently.

"I-Is she drooling?" Archer asked in astonishment. The entire situation was just blowing his mind, but Rin losing her composure like that was…

"I believe she is my good sir." Not-Archer declared.

"Wanna go give sexy older Shirou a test drive?" The younger Shirou asked.

"Sorry but I'm not-" Archer started before watching the other three members of the room leave and apparently forget about him and his slip up.

With nothing exploded to clean and breakfast far away Archer had nothing good to distract him from the loud and extremely awkward sounds of sex until they fell asleep.

* * *

"Why is even your servant sleeping!?" Archer demanded as he opened the door after receiving permission to enter. Servants needed no sleep, so why was Shirou's servant sleeping alongside them? Was he like Artoria, and unable to enter a spiritual form?

Shirou blearily eyed him "Tigers only care about two things, food, sleep and sex."

Behind him his servant gave a nod, though he didn't bother opening his eyes. Rin was still passed out with a blissful and dangerously perverted expression on her face. Apparently she wasn't seeing his past yet. At least he hoped not with an expression like that.

"That's three things moron." Archer exclaimed.

"TIGERS HATE MATH!" Both Shirous yelled at once, surging out of bed into ridiculous poses and throwing Rin to the ground with a surprised squeak. This revealed they were all still very nude, which caused Archer to spin around, feeling an odd mix of aroused and like a pedophile. He wished this weird boner would go away.

"Who brought up Math!?" Rin growled, angry at being woken from a great dream.

"Counting isn't math!" Archer yelled, pointing accusingly at the two Shirou's.

"Rawr." They chorused.

* * *

Apparently the second summon was Rider, a future version of this Shirou who didn't become a counter guardian, but made it to the throne after bringing Tigers back from near extinction and using a massive army of tens of thousands to help prevent China from taking over Japan in a future war.

Surprisingly this didn't seem to surprise Shirou, and Rin just seemed resigned to the fact that it would happen.

The war seemed determined to be decidedly weird and unpleasant for Archer this time, Archer thought, as he chopped another tentacle off the horrific beast and dodged the spray of acidic blood.

He wasn't quite sure what changed to cause at least three masters to summon tentacle monsters on accident this time. He was trying to buy time for his Shirou to retreat on the back of his terribly named tiger, carrying the unconscious forms of Rin and a decidedly two-armed Bazet.

In front of were what he could best describe as three tentacle monsters.

One was a giant thing with tentacles as thick as steel beams in skyscrapers, and even harder to chop apart. It's furious attacks shook the ground, and it's musk paralyzed all the women by pure proximity.

The beast's body was just a single large maw of row after row of razor sharp teeth on a million insect-like legs.

Well ignoring the four foot long penis on the tip of it's tongue, barbed for its pleasure.

Regardless, looking at anything but the tentacles made his eyes water and he could feel the drain on his sanity as he attempted to comprehend the subtleties of its body.

The second looked much like a pit bull the size of an elephant, but with a host of long, thin, bladed and barbed tentacles sprouting from its back and the head replaced with a golden animatronic dog spinning a jack-in-the-box.

Behind them was what appeared to be a beholder from a certain pen and paper RPG, if the DM had accidentally made the players gods and needed to fuck them over literally and figuratively with a single enemy.

It was a massive, throbbing ball of magical annihilation and was gathering energy to its eye.

To his left was Lancer, fortunately not a tentacle beast.

Thankfully Lancer was a powerful ally and despite his terrible luck he would be a great asset due to his incredible speed, extreme endurance and powerful noble phantasm. Perhaps to two of them could kill the caster beast and escape with their lives.

They spared each other a glance and nodded, silently communicating their plan. Lancer sped forward while Archer materialized his bow and began to make a suitable weapon and break it.

Lancer made it two steps before he was immobilized with a cluster of dripping inky black tentacles coming from the ground. How does a tentacle monster even DO sneaky?

"Help!" Lancer screamed, his voice a quite a bit shriller than normal. Death he could handle, but not like this.

Changing tactics Archer shot the half completed weapon at lancer's back, hoping to grant him a swifter death than these beasts would give him. He then turned tail and ran like a little girl.

Lancer's luck was truly out though, as the weapon was slapped out of the air by a bladed tentacle.

Looking in horrified and morbid anticipation at the array of lethal sexual implements headed towards his current and soon to be orifices Lancer cursed his extraordinary battle continuation.

* * *

Desperate times called for desperate measures Rin thought, and turned on the stove. She was hoping that Archer would keep cooking, but given that he was probably being raped to death right now she wasn't going to risk missing dinner.

She wasn't a bad cook, but who knew that there was a universe where Shirou had cooking ability instead of a tiger, a sex drive or a healthy attitude towards sleep?

Behind her Archer materialized in a flash of light.

"Oh thank god you're here. We're so hungry." Rin exclaimed in a sigh of relief.

"I was almost raped to death by cthulhuian tentacle monsters! Why are you only worried about dinner?" Archer whined.

"This is why I'm in charge Archer. I know priorities. Right now the priority is that you make dinner for us and our guests." Rin said condescendingly.

"Guest. Lancer's hopefully dead, so it's just one guest. You'd know this if you asked for a debrief first." Archer argued.

"A debrief I can't think during if I'm this hungry! Give me food or I'll sic the Shirous on you."

Archer knew when he was fighting a losing battle, so he decided to just start working on the meal. Even if it would inflate Rin's ego even more.

Soon they were eating, although chat was light and Bazett didn't say anything. They seemingly just decided to save the discussion of the future of the war for after their meal was done.

Everyone politely set down their silverware, wiped their faces and began to discuss their plans.

"HOLY SHIT WE'RE SO FUCKED!" Rin screamed.

"I'M STILL A VIRGIN! NOT LIKE THIS! NOT LIKE THIS!" Bazett cried.

"I HEARD THEM SET UPON LANCER! IT WAS HORRIBLE! I'LL NEVER HAVE A BONER AGAIN!" Archer lamented.

"I CAN'T CLOSE MY EYES WITHOUT SEEING THOSE LEGS!" Shirou panicked.

"I'm super glad I decided to nap today instead of heading out." Rider commented brightly. Upon seeing the looks of pure fury for not being equally traumatized he realized there was only one possible response.

"Rawr!"

* * *

A single phone call to the church revealed that all of the servants were freed of their masters and currently destroying and defiling everything in and including the Ryuudou Temple.

With the leylines about to be defiled in every sense of the word, they decided to beg for help from the Magus Association and the Church after about thirty seconds of deliberation.

They quickly arrived and destroyed the beasts, as well as the grail and rerouting the leylines to assure that it could never cause another war.

That childlike Dead Apostle Ancestor sure did good work fast. Though he looked ridiculous lying on the ground with no limbs chatting to a rat dressed like a king on his chest.

* * *

"Well the war is wrapped up, and I've yet to die. I've given it some thought and I literally prefer being a counter-guardian over being marginalized by two tiger-themed maniacs."

"Rawr." said maniacs agreed.

"Well, peace out." Archer said, before stabbing himself with Gae Bolg.

Rider turned to the two of them.

"Well, I'm not going to be a third wheel. I'll never forget you, me." Rider said, completely forgetting that he was in fact, guaranteed, to forget Shirou as he was only a clone of the real Shirou on the throne.

Waving his hand and summoning his Dolphin, Rider flew away into the sunset. Then he exploded violently, earning Rin yet more noise complaints to ignore for fireworks.

They held a brief moment of silence for him before heading back into the bedroom to sleep together and sleep together for the next three days straight, only stopping to order food and lightly molest the delivery people.

* * *

With all their problems solved and all their enemies dead, everyone lived happily ever af- **BANG**

"Who the fuck do you think you are to ignore ME!?" A random blond haired, red-eyed man yelled from the courtyard, having destroyed the wards and door to Rin's house.

After he awkwardly waited for a couple seconds for them to get themselves to the door, he was faced with the barely clothed forms of Rin and Shirou.

"Who the fuck are you?" Shirou asked.

"SEE!? This is exactly what I mean! First Kirei suddenly dies from a sniper round to the head, then the war abruptly ends and all the servants are destroyed or fade from existence and now you don't even know who the fuck I am! I'm Gilgamesh! King of Heroes! Bow before your superior!" Gilgamesh cried angrily.

"You still shoulda knocked. That was a dick move." Rin chided.

Gilgamesh was not amused, but Shirou took that moment to cut him off.

"Check this out then King of Heroes! I'll defeat you in a single spell!" Shirou exclaimed.

"Very well, you may have this chance to prove your worth you mongrel."

"I am the second Tiger of Fuyuki,

Milk is in my bowl, and meat is on my plate,

I have eaten over a thousand fish,

Unafraid of the night,

Nor easy to wake,

Withstood many lawsuits to keep my tiger,

I have no regrets, not even his name,

My whole life is-

 **UNLIMITED TIGER WORKS**!"

The world changed. The world was suddenly a thick forest, and on every spot of bare ground and every branch of every one of the massive trees spiraling to the heavens was covered in tigers.

"DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH TIGERS, KING OF HEROES!?" Shirou shouted victoriously. Rin took a seat on a tiger behind him to watch the festivities.

"Why would I need this many tigers?" Gilgamesh responded.

"That's what a petty man with no tigers would say." Shirou claimed victoriously.

"Well I do have three. They're each better than all yours put together though!"

"Prove it!"

"Fine!" Gilgamesh responded, before dumping three legendary tigers from his Gate of Babylon.

Suddenly every tiger in the world turned into a copy of one of the superior tigers.

'Holy shit. He played me like a fool. His army has gained a ridiculous amount of strength in a split second. I'm dealing with a strategic mastermind!' Gilgamesh thought in rage and a hint of fear.

"Holy shit! All my Dolphins changed!" Shirou noticed.

"They're tigers." Gilgamesh responded warily, unsure if he was dealing with a retard or a genius.

"Their name is Dolphin." Shirou responded slowly, as if talking to an idiot.

"THAT'S SUCH A TERRIBLE NAME!" Gilgamesh yelled as he began launching hundreds of weapons a second at the ever encroaching waves of flesh and fang. Realizing his situation he drew Ea and destroyed the entire universe in a single swipe.

"Foolish. To think such a simple attack could kill-"

"I am the second Tiger of Fuyuki,

Milk is in my bowl, and meat is on my plate,

I have eaten over a thousand fish,

Unafraid of the night,

Nor easy to wake,

Withstood many lawsuits to keep my tiger,

I have no regrets, not even his name,

My whole life is-

 **UNLIMITED TIGER WORKS**!"

Shirou chanted as quickly as he could, frantically dodging the equally frantic barrage of weapons launched at him. The few blades he couldn't dodge were suddenly deflected by a shield made from one of Rin's gems.

Suddenly they were back to the forest. The ground blanketed with Tigers and some now even clinging to the sides of the trees.

"If it didn't work the first time then why-?" Gilgamesh started

"This time the ground is tigers too." Shirou exclaimed brightly. As the King of Heroes was devoured by a sea of tigers he shot Shirou the most hateful look he could imagine as he cursed him until his windpipe was ripped out. There was obviously only one response.

"Rawr!"

* * *

This was an idea I came up with out of nowhere and really got my muse going.

I began replacing the word tiger with lion about 3 uses in and annoyed the shit out of my beta.

I also know that a lot of things characters said or thought are very dumb. This doesn't reflect my own opinions or knowledge.

I actually do way too much research for stupid crack one-shots. I was going to make a simpsons reference joke with the tiger's name, but found out the episode came out in 2000, and I wanted Rin and Shirou to meet in more like 1996-1997 so he could conceivably have enough training to cast his ultimate joke, **unlimited tiger works**.

For those wondering: Kiritsugu lived because he kept Avalon inside him, saved Illya and killed Kirei while Merem and a horde of enforcers killed the tentacle beasts.

Let me know what you think, and follow me if you want to see more stupid one shots of various series.

Rawr!

-KishinoKurobi


End file.
